This online journal will cover the progress I make in all of the important areas of my life. I've listed general keywords and a brief description of each below:
CVS/Fontbonne - Crane Violin Studio is the violin studio I created. I teach about 30 private students in the Clayton area. Fontbonne is the university where I adjunct teach college students as well as the location where I teach my private students.
Music - I'm separating this from my studio as my education as a violinist/musician never ends. I intend to reflect on my practice sessions and composing experiences under this category.
MSLIS - This represents the degree program (MS/Phd in Library and Information Sciences) that I'm considering as a second career to compliment my violin teaching. I will be posting my progress towards this goal in my journal.
CLF / PT - CLF represents Choy Lay Fut; the form of kung fu that I study in Champaign, Illinois. My teacher is Santanu Rahman who owns KFHH (Kung Fu for Holistic Health). PT refers my progress in physical training and nutrition.
Philosophy - I believe that one's philosophy/spiritual beliefs are extremely important, therefore I will make efforts to address this every day as I continue my education in this arena.
10/9/02
Too LONG since last post!
CVS / Fontbonne - biling system has been implemented and is working out very well; no complaints knock on wood. I saw Regina Carter tonight in St. Louis, and every time I see her I think I have to go back to my office and practice some jazz licks. She is inspiring. My student Adam went with me and his Father took our picture with her afterward. I'm practising a ton this week in order to get ready for a gig i'm playing in Alton on Sunday. Teresa and me are putting together a 45 minute program mixing classic with jazz and perhaps a few other types of pieces. sucks that i have to drive us there and back though but I'm taking off Monday which should help.
Music - Haven't done anything with my composing, but since my teacher died, I haven't had much motivation. I'm forced to do so this week though with this program on Sunday so perhaps it'll jump start things from there.
MSLIS - nothing here. I haven't applied again, but had lunch with my library contact last week and discussed my reservations about applying for a job with him. I explained that Teresa will most likely take a job elsewhere in the country (which is true) and that it wouldn't make much sense to apply. I wondered the same with UIUC's program but they do say I can do it from a distance so I'm still considering it. Part of me just wants to wait and see where we wind up before I even consider going back. This view of late makes sense and will probably prevail. My last post on education is still very applicable where I want to head with this part of my life.
CLF/PT - not much going on here. I've been so down with severe allergies, even missed my last lesson (which I hated to miss) as a result of them. I can't understand why they're all the sudden kicking my ass; must have something to do with the weather change, but it's driving me crazy and making me feel like I've combination cold and aching of the flu. Since my last post, I've basically been a vegetable. I've got to work on this even if it means dare I say seeing a doctor. I vowed to myself to stay away from general practiioners as they are worthless. For years every time I'd see my doctor he'd spend about 5 informal minutes with me and prescribe some generic antibiotic or say just drink fluids. In this case they'll want to put me on allergy shots which I think are a waste. I haven't gone back to one in 4 years and don't plan on it unless i have a heart attack or stroke.
Philosophy - Finished the prophet and am now trying to digest Krishanmurti once again. I got the book Santanu's reading and seem to be able to read it much easier. I took a break from my nonfiction and read wilbur smith's river god and warlock fiction and was drawn in from the start. Excellent diversion and extremely well written fiction. It's nice to stop thinking every now and then and just enjoy something like this. Anyway, that's it for now.
07/27/02
CVS / Fontbonne - not much new over the past 10 days. I did arrive at a new billing method which I think will solve my problems of people expecting to pay for missed lessons. I will simply assign an annual tuition rate with all the built in holidays / vacation allowances. I will choose the major holidays plus allow for 2-3 weeks vacation for everyone, which won't be included. Everyone will have the option to pay all at once or in four quarterly payments. I think this will set things in stone so that I don't always have to analyze each semester as to who needs credits, etc. This will also take some pressure off me to produce quarterly invoices. I'm wondering if I should implement this in the Fall, I think I will.
Music - looked at some songwriting books at Borders with Santanu. Surprisingly, the material wasn't anything I haven't learned from my music training, perhaps with the exception of how to tailor songwriting to make a hit. This isn't really my aim though as I want to write without constraints or the pressure to please other people. I have a good method, creating a simple melody line on the violin then adding chords later. I may experiment with writing on the piano, but as it's not my main instrument this may pose some limitations.
MSLIS - Well, I don't know about this one. I really do think a library position is an ideal environment especially coupled with my teaching, but I'm having more difficulty with the idea that to get the job I have to have the degree. I'd rather pursue the degree without pressure; from a purely uninfluenced state. Otherwise I risk becoming controlled, pressured, and possibly bitter. I've been thinking lately that it is a tough dillemma to educate yourself for purely self interest, or to "sell out" and educate yourself in something that you don't especially have an interest (maybe you do have the interest but are still pressured to get the degree, thus constraining freedom and making it less attractive) in but will provide financial security. I've already learned this lesson in getting my MA in Law. To think logically and critically as a result is a noble cause for doing this, but I hadn't thought this through to be my original intent, therefore I never focused my learning on this while in the degree program. All I cared about was having a masters to become more job worthy. In fact I really wonder if I learned anything of value from the program. I really need to be careful to understand the reasons for which I want something; education wise and everything else too. I'm tired of being manipulated and brainwashed by other people. Teresa and I watched "Shallow Hal" last night which helped bring this lesson to light. I'll talk more on this in a separate category. Anyway, ultimately, I need to stop worrying about whether or not a degree is going to get me somewhere and start focusing on how and where I can learn more about what's "core" to me. I don't need a library degree to enjoy working in a library, if what's important to me is being surrounded by great books and relaxed work environment (Santanu discusses this issue in a journal which I will quote, I hope he doesn't mind, "Some people really subscribe to almost a military-like ethic, which is bascially work hard, and play hard. This is what I would call extreme-ism. The other type is more about doing work for it's own enjoyment, where it's also kind of play at the same time. I'd call this moderate-ism. It is not as intense, but it's not lazy, either. These type of people's recreation and relaxation are probably also more laid back, and not necessarily "play hard," either." End of qoute. This moderate-ism is probably the most important thing to me in working and the library field just happens to lean this way I think. I have this same moderate-ism in my private violin teaching which is why I enjoy it so much. I also need this in a day job of some sort which provides medical and retirement. I just can't sell out my desired work ethic/conditions for such gains. Back to education. I will always learn, and perhaps library science will interest me (have never taken a class in this so I don't know), but it also has to be philosphy and history, and countless other things I want to explore over my life. I will pursue my education at my will, degrees/educational awards are secondary. I also need to point out that my lifelong passion for education shouldn't be done so that I can categorize and control but to find further freedom of living and thought. If I control and categorize everything I learn and do then it risks becoming dogmatic, crystallized, and dead. My problem is that it's very hard to live this way, everything about our lives is about control and conformity. I will have to reread this journal post over and over so I don't forget this moment of truth.
CLF / PT - pt first. I'm really watching what I'm eating more and I'm surpirsed when I think of what I was eating on a regular basis before now that I'm sort of out of the rut. However, results are slow, my body refuses to drop below 200 and I know I shouldn't focus on weight, but there's now way my body even muscular should weigh this much. At the most with my desired level of muscularity/leaness I should be no more than 190. My exercise if much better than before which was almost nothing (with the exception of weekly kung fu). I'm focusing more on the treadmill, Santanu's workout and my kung fu. Problem is it's all erratic and unfocused. I'm going to just make a list of things I must do every day and no matter what do them before going to bed. I'm doing better at CLF I can feel it. I love this martial art so much (funny thing is that when I chose it I didn't know anything about it). I think meeting Santanu and doing CLF was one of those destined things if there is such a thing. Knowing how much I enjoy this martial art I am sometimes baffled by my lack of practice and use of it. It's the same way in music, I love the violin and could never be separated from it, but can't find myself immersed in it (defined I think by 1-2 hours per day) . I tell myself I should practice violin and kung fu 1-2 hours per day each. I need to ask Santanu what he thinks. Perhaps I have some mild obsessive/complusive thing going which whips me into frequent periods of action and inaction. I really think it's more about distraction. Our Society has generated so many of them over the years that it's sad to think of what potential and talent was/is wasted as a result. Someone out there may have the cure for cancer in his head waiting to be brought out by their own natural ability to discover it, but may be sedated by television, drugs, and other pleasure/materialistic wants society pushes us to want. I need to define my distractions and discuss/list ways to minmize and eliminate them. Unfortunately my living situation is a big one being separated from Teresa over the next year with countless hours and miles I put in driving (this is probably the biggest distraction by the way) I can't place total blame on this situation though as I can remember before it was some other distraction in its place.
Philosophy- I'm still reading "the prophet" trying to finish my initial read today. Interested in reading Krishnamurta next. Other than this, the majority of my post was on philosophy so no more to add here. Oh, "Shallow Hal" - the lesson was valuable. About a guy who has the idea that women have to be physically beautiful to an excess degree to be worth dating or being with. When Tony Robbins deprograms/dehypnotizes Hal to realize the inner beauty of people his best friend (upset by Hal's new outlook on women finds Tony and says "don't you think it's wrong to brainwash people (Hal)", and Tony replies "don't you think you're brainwashed, everything you know about beauty is programmed, tv, magazines, movies, they're all telling you what's beautiful and what's not, how is this any different? Just another person reflecting this unfortunate truth.
07/17/02
CVS/Fontbonne - Teaching ok this week. Lost an important student this week. Had been with me for 3 years, and a very talented boy, what's worse is that I really enjoyed his parents. She assured me that it wasn't me, just that he decided that he didn't want to play anymore. What a shame. bummed my week a bit, not to mention a cut in pay.
Music- - still nothing. i'm going to need to analyze what my problem is here. that or just stop making excuses and do it.
MLIS - I'm getting really confused. not sure if I should pursue the Ph.D. or not. sounds like a huge specialization that i'm not ready for yet. I don't even know that much about the field yet, and i"m supposed to create a research statement. I noticed university of wisconsin offers double degrees in say history/mslis which i think is cool because I like history. guess it could provide me with a specialization in a museum or geneology dept. of some institution. another field i thought about is law or some police dept cataloging evidence. don't know what the qualifications are, but my criminal justice degree coupled with library could work. Not exactly the environment i dream of though, would like a library that i can access all sorts of topics, philosophy / history, etc. supposed to meet with my friend Jeff later this week to discuss the research statement.
CLF/PT - diet is doing ok. I'm having no trouble keeping myself from eating after 1 or 2pm. going home now to really focus hard on my clf forms for the upcoming test. hit the treadmill for 20 miinutes light jog today. overall i'm happy in this area. my friend Kevin I haven't seen in a few months told me today he notices I've lost weight since last seeing me. That's way cool. Gotta keep this up though, I know i'm just a cheeseburger away from failure.
philosophy - nothing
7/13/02
CVS/Fontbonne - missed a few days of journal entries. Still getting a feel for what time is best to make these entries. Anyway, I'm off from teaching this weekend. Noticed an interesting thing, which is that I've lost a couple of students this past semester, but without advertising picked up two new ones. Interesting how things keep balance when you don't stress about them. I'm watching a video on martial artist Bruce Lee's method of Jeet Kune Do, and am finding an interesting notion applicable to violin pedagogy. He states that methods/styles separate us from uniting together, and that faithful practitioners of certain methods/styles consider their doctorines as gospel truth. I notice this trend in violin teaching. I see how certain people have taken methods like violin instructor/visionary Shinichi Suzuki's ideas and converted them into dogmatic doctorines. In fact in the beginning of every book his organization publishes (btw, these books contain a logically graded progression of musical pieces) state that parents should only study from Suzuki certified instructors. I become sad when I see this, because the Suzuki movement's popularity gives credance to such statements and pushes violin teaching into the type of compartmentalization that Bruce Lee disagrees with. I wonder how many wonderful teachers are ostracized for not choosing to become certified, but who utulize the Suzuki books and Suzuki's well intended and visionary thoughts of Suzuki nonetheless. I can't believe that Suzuki meant for his pedagogical ideas to be doctorinized. After reading his books on teaching, I feel like he would think as Bruce Lee does, in that we must be free to adapt our teaching style to each individual. I'll be more specific. The Suzuki method teaches one to play the violin in the early to intermediate stage completely by ear. A student learns the piece by listening to their intended piece many times coupled with exploration in playing. I believe this way of teaching may be appropriate for a more kinesthetic type person, but not a more cerebral type person. In my experience, I have students excel at both of these approaches. Personally, I approach all of my students with the intent of reading as soon as possible, but take into account those that will have trouble with this and initiate the Suzuki way of ear learning. This topic is highly debated in teaching and has divided us into Suzuki teachers and Traditional teachers. I am always sad to see a teacher who doesn't use an open mind to any and all methods when teaching a student. Teaching isn't just following a prescribed set of books or pieces. It's getting to know your student's likes and dislikes, feeling for how they learn best, and being consciously aware that you will have to adapt every week, month and year to each student. I used to think that certifications and degrees were more important than anything else to establish credability. I can honestly say that there is probably someone out there with no formal music degree or certification who even perhaps has a career totally unrelated to music, but perhaps played the violin growing up and is teaching violin with a great degree of success, dare I say perhaps more success than that person who has the degree or certification. I believe this is true with martial arts as well. Although I have limited experience in this arena, I tend to feel more comfortable observing martial artists that don't flash around fancy titles or belt rankings. I'm starting to lose my focus on this issue, so I'll pick up on this later.
music - I'm pretty disgusted with myself this past week on the topic of practising my violin. It was a very productive week, to the point of shocking my comfort zone, but I wasn't able to get this area up and running. I must strive to attain a very high level of ability in my playing in order to continue to carry the heavy responsibility of teaching. One cannot be without the other. Also need to get through these intial mental barriers of composing. I have the ability, the difficult thing is just seeing the illusions I create about what I can do vs. what others have done and succeeded in doing. I'm going to push these 2 areas very hard next week without sacrificing my progress in the other areas I'm succeeding in.
MSLIS - Have been checking into UIUC's Ph.D. program. Mentally, I will have to take a totally different approach to applying for this degree over the masters. I'm going to have to do more research on the field so I can narrow my intended area of focus. Sometimes I feel that I would rather pursue further education in philosophy as this is a very important hobby of mine. Perhaps there is a way to combine the two so I can increase my chances of employment in library science while nurturing my desire for self exploration in philosophy.
CLF- PT - Had kung fu today, went really well. I'll be testing in August, so I'm going to spend more time focusing on forms, combat theory, escrima sticks, and HBC. I need to go over my terms as well so there is no hesitation when Santanu or anyone else refers to a particular element or part of a form. I would call last week a success in the physical training arena, however, I know I can push myself harder. After seeing Bruce Lee's average workout, I look like a girly man! I will spend more time next week running/walking on the treadmill, Santanu's workout, and pushups. I'm trying to remember my affirmation is about working on definition as much as slimming down.
Philosophy- bought a new book by Kahlil Gibran called "the prophet". I plan on reading this after I finish with Tao of Pooh. I've gotten further in Pooh. I've highlighted and thought about the following: firstly about how everything has its own place and function. Hoff refers to people not realizing they are stuck in wrong jobs, marriages, etc. He states that "when you respect your own Inner Nature, you know where you belong and you also know where you don't belong." I think about this especially in my career. I know I belong in teaching music, but I wonder how to rely on my Inner Nature to know what's right for me in my other career, if there should be one to begin with. People tell me that I should just take 70 students and run with it, but I know this is a recipe for burnout. I would rather maintain a manageable number and provide quality vs. quantity. I think it's possible to find a compatible career for this, and I think I'm heading in the right direction to nail it down. Library science has promise, and my family business has potential now that I look at it from a deeper perspective. My Inner Nature gets a boot though when I think about what Teresa will do when she graduates and where she takes a job. I wonder if this failure to see the future would be construed by Hoff to be a limitation in that can be faced and understood. If so I should be able to work with it insead of it working against me. I'll have to ponder this more, because it's getting in my way. Hoff says the Brain gets in the way (like it is now) and it leads people away from what is right for them. If I could only find a way to rely on my Inner Nature, he says I wouldn't be fooled by this problem, at least I think. Perhaps my standing meditation can help with this?. I really appreciated Hoff's point that there is no such thing as an ability that is too useless, too crooked, or too small. Baseball player Barry Bonds said something to the effect the other night on Leno that people shouldn't belittle what they do just because they're not a high profile figure in the media or making a ton of money. I believe he said that everyone has something important to contribute (pretty insightful coming from someone like him). That's about as far as I got. After seeing the Bruce Lee video, I made a list of other philosophical authors that Lee read and will cover them as I go.
7/10/2002
CVS/Fontbonne - My first journal entry!!. I'm definately beating the procrastination bug which has always controlled me! I'm still off from Fontbonne this summer; no college students signed up which is a relief, I needed the break and time. Private teaching is going ok this summer. I get frustrated this time of year because some people take off and expect not to pay despite my policy to the contrary. So as you can imagine, I struggle to remain financially solvent during the summer months. You'd think I'd try to plan better for this during the year, but with Teresa in school it's become very difficult. Very hard to enforce my policy as I'm afraid it will scare people away, and frankly I'd rather teach and not deal with the unpleasant business/collection aspects. I keep telling people I wish I had a rich arts supporting patron to pay my salary so I could focus on teaching only. Every day I teach I begin to evolve my teaching philosophy. It used to be that I had to work my students as if this was the most important thing to them and create perfect violin students. Teaching experience tends to give you quite an education on the reality of things. For most, I am a hobby at best. My new philosophy has evolved to making sure that they all enjoy their time with me and practising and to continue to enjoy and play until they pass from this life. They don't realize it now, but many of them will eventually go to work in the ever familiar "dilbert" style business world. When this happens, they will really treasure having something beautilful and creative to give them balance. More on this later.
Music- I have been pretty lax lately on practicing. My intent is to make myself journal here so I get into gear and spend the amount of time I should in order to keep my technique up and progressing. I also intend to start the composing process. My goal is to start with just one song, style yet to be determined. I've started an affirmation program to address this; I will focus on finishing and polishing one composition and see where it leads. I've thougth about the most conducive environment to accomplish this and my office seems perfect. I must focus on staying to work on this project after I'm finished teaching.
MSLIS - Well, I'm trying to get a job in the library profession as my research indicates it's one of the best careers to blend with my teaching. I'm hoping that it will be a time flexible environment, allows for creativity, and provides enough diversity to keep me fresh for teaching. People often ask me why not teach music in the public or private schools, but I feel that in order to keep myself focused and free from burnout, it would be best to find something removed. My masters application was denied by UIUC, however, I'm not letting up on them and found out that their Phd program allows for limited acceptance rates in the Spring. The secretary I spoke to today says it's unusual to get in on the Spring semester, but not impossible. Now I must redirect my energies and focus towards applying for a doctoral program. I know who I'll be asking for advise on this. I will post my progress towards my application.
CLF/PT - Santanu has me on a training program which is really working for me. I have a stationary punching bag at home now and have been successful in doing the regimen the second day in a row now. I must do my standing meditation as it's easy to put that off after the workout. I really need more work at quieting my mind. I'm listening to Grisham's "The Partner" on audio while I drive (which is a lot), and I picked up an interesting strategy from the main character who built up his weight on purpose then dropped all of it by stating that he "disassociated himself totally from food". After hearing that comment I noticed that it's no different than choosing not to be addicted to cigarettes or any other harmful substance. I've been reaffirming to myself that I care less about food, whereas before I was really passionate about it. In short, it's working. I'm eating much better and quite a bit less than before. Couple this with my exercise and I'm expecting to see drastic results.
Philosophy- I'm in the middle of a few good books right now. I'm focusing on the Tao of Pooh at the moment and find the Taoist's simplistic approach to life (uncarved block) is very good. I hope to integrate this more and more into my daily life. I will post on this book every day as it will force me to get my daily dose and move forward so I can digest more material. I'm taking an objective approach to any books I read right now. I've found in my violin teaching that it's foolish to think there's only one way of teaching. Conversly, one should be open to ideas from every philosopher, religious text and practice. If anyone reads this I highly recommend this article on religion written by martial artist Jet Li: http://www.jetli.com/jetli/jet/jet_religion_views.php?bw=high While I'm in the mood to link, one should continue with a speech by the following speech by Arnold Schwarzenegger: http://www.schwarzenegger.com/en/life/hiswords/words_en_sac_perspectives.asp?sec=life&subsec=hiswords Both of these articles had a dramatic effect upon my thinking. I will post more later.
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